Showing posts with label Doomsday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doomsday. Show all posts
Nobody knows today how the devil looks like, but if you approach a guy who looks like Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino or De Niro is a bad sign.
If you have lived a very dissolute life and you're already resigned to hell, bring a lid as the only provision. Given that the devil makes the pots but not the lids, the lid will be almost irreplaceable to barter.
It is unknown whether the sex in paradise is made or not (all the evidence leads to support the hypothesis that is unlikely). The only recommendation: in any case, NO to condoms.
Ok, now you're in front of the Creator of all things and you realize that is Manitou. You have two things to do: hope none of your ancestors took part in the colonization of America; say that your favorite movie is "Dances with Wolves"
If you play the guitar, a boy-scout songbook will be a good source of inspiration. If you have brought with you only this guide, nothing serious: here are chord of emergency "I lift my eyes"- A/E B/E A/E B/E A/E B/E A/E B/E.
It seems that up there they appreciate instruments such as sounding bronzes and echoing cymbals. If you play the guitar stick scrupulously to the repertoire of Church music.
If you are out fishing and you realize that you put a hook in the mouth of Leviathan, don’t try to bring it to shore.
The doomsday should start with four skeletons riding terrible blazing horses: they are the horsemen of the apocalypse and you must keep away. If instead of 4 they are 9, you may have run into Nazgul of “the Lord of the Rings”.
It seems that on doomsday you will come out from your graves naked or, if all is well, with genitals barely covered by white fluttering clothes. Well, even with the most beautiful specimen of the opposite sex, is strictly forbidden to have impure thoughts. If you are a woman, God will see you. If you’re a man, all will see you.
It seems that in Paradise you drink much coffee. If anyone offers you a coffee don’t say no: it may be St. Peter.
Okay, they are boring, but at least in the doomsday forget the damn poets and start reading them.
If you see that God is purple and has six arms, once before him avoid the songs of Red Gen and say few words of appreciation for the cows and spicy foods.
If you're already dead, remember that you must go out from the grave to be judged. The advice is to opt for a cheap coffin, such as those on sale at Wall Mart, that can be broken also by skeletal hands, and it’s important to avoid oak and ash trees that are the most resistant. The last thing you want is to miss a resurrection because the quality of your coffin is too good.
According to many people, carrying a holy picture would reduce the penalty in the case of Purgatory.
Passing under the Holy Door of St. Peter a couple of hours before the End of the earth is a good idea. Use an axe to open a hole whether it is closed is NOT a good idea.
If you have just confessed your sins and feel that the end of the world is near (it’s 20 November 2012), try not to make big sins in your last days, because probably will be easier to self-restraint than finding a priest free.
When do you have confessed your sins the last time? Remember that is active a toll-free number for confessions at the point of death. The difficult part in doomsday will be to take the line, so it should be predicted at least a few hours before.
If you hear the noise of gnashing of teeth closer and closer, hook it in the opposite direction.
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